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  • 早晨從中午開始

    作者:路遙

    49
      想起幾年前那個艱難的開頭。
      想不到今天竟然就要結束。
      毫無疑問,這是一生中的一個重大時刻。
      心臟在驟烈搏動,有一種隨時昏暈過去的感覺。圓珠筆捏在手中像一根鐵棍一般沉重,而身體卻像要飄浮起來。
      時間在飛速地滑過,紙上的字卻越寫越慢,越寫越吃力。
      這十多頁稿紅簡直成了不可逾越的雄關險隘。
      過分的激動終于使寫字的右手整個痙攣了,五個手指頭像雞爪子一樣張開而握不攏。筆掉在了稿紙上。
      焦急萬分,滿頭大汗,渾身大汗。我知道,此刻朋友們正圍坐在酒桌前等待著我。這是從未體驗過的危機——由快樂而產生的危機。
      智力還沒有全部喪失。我把暖水瓶的水倒進臉盆,隨即從床上拉了兩條枕巾放進去,然后用“雞爪子”手抓住熱毛巾在燙水里整整泡了一刻鐘,這該死的手才漸漸恢復了常態。
      立刻抓住筆。飛快地往下寫。
      在接近通常吃晚飯的那個時分,終于為全書劃上了最后一個句號。
      幾乎不是思想的支配,而是不知出于一種什么原因,我從桌前站起來所做的第一件事,就是把手中的那支圓珠筆從窗戶里擁了出去。
      我來到衛生間用熱水洗了洗臉。幾年來,我第一次認真地在鏡子里看了看自己。我看見了一張陌生的臉。兩鬢竟然有了那么多的白發,整個臉蒼老得像個老人,皺紋橫七豎八,而且憔翠不堪。
      我看見自己淚流滿面。
      索性用腳把衛生間的門踢住,出聲地哭起來,我向另一個我表達無限的傷心、委屈和兒童一樣的軟弱。而那個父親一樣的我制止了哭泣的我并引導我走出衛生間。
      我細心徹底地收拾了桌面。一切都裝進了遠行的箱子里,唯獨留下那十本抄寫得工工整整的手稿放在桌面的中央。
      50
      我坐下來點燃一支煙,沉默了片刻,以使自己的心情平靜到能出席宴會的程度。
      在這一刻里,我什么也沒有想,只記起了杰出的德國作家托馬斯·曼的幾句話:“……終于完成了。它可能不好,但是完成了。只要能完成,它也就是好的。”
      這也正是此刻我想說的話。
      從最早萌發寫《平凡的世界》到現在已經快接近十年。而寫完這部書到現在已快接近四年了。現在重新回到那些歲月,仍然使人感到一種心靈的震顫。正是懷著一種對往事祭奠的心情,我才寫了上面的一些文字。
      無疑,這里所記錄的一切和《平凡的世界》一樣。對我來說,都已經成了歷史。一切都是當時的經歷和認識。隨著時間的流逝和社會生活以及藝術的變化發展,我的認識也在變化和發展。許多過去我所倚重的東西現在也許已不在我思考的主流之中;而一些我曾經視或者未觸及的問題卻上升到重要的位置。
      一個人要是停留在自己的歷史中而不再前行,那是極為可悲的。
      但是,自己的歷史同樣應該總結——只有嚴肅地總結過去,才有可能更好地走向未來。
      正因為如此,我才覺得有必要把這一段經歷大約地記錄下來。
      促使我寫這篇文章的另一個原因是,許多報刊根據道聽途說的材料為我的這段經歷編排了一些不真實的“故事”,我不得不親自出面說一說自己。
      可以說,這些文字肯定未能全部記錄我在寫作這部書時的生活經歷、思想經歷和感情經歷。和書中內容平行漫流的曾是無數的洪流。我不可能把所有的那一切都儲蓄在記憶里;尤其是一些稍縱即逝的思想火花和許多無名的感情溪流更是無法留存——而那些東西才可能是真正有光彩的。不過,我總算把這段經歷的一個大的流程用這散漫的筆調寫在了這里。我不企望別人對這些文字產生興趣,只是完成了我的一個小小的心愿而已。
      一九九一年三月,當《平凡的世界》獲中國第三屆茅盾文學獎時,我簡直不敢相信這是真的。因為在以往漫長而艱難的年月里,我的全部心思都是考慮怎樣寫完這部書,而不敢奢望它會受到什么寵愛。我已進入“不惑”之年;我深知道任何榮譽并不能完全證明真正的成功。這一切只不過促使我再一次嚴肅地審視自己的過去、現在和未來。
      是的,我剛跨過四十歲,從人生的歷程來看,生命還可以說處在“正午”時光,完全應該重新喚起青春的激情,再一次投入到這莊嚴的勞動之中。
      那么,早晨依然從中午開始。
      1991年初冬—1992年初春

    上一篇:第47-48節 《早晨從中午開始》已閱讀完畢,繼續閱讀:你怎么也想不到

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